"I wouldn't want to marry me either, a pathological people pleaser." When Taylor Swift penned these raw, self-reflective lyrics in "You're Losing Me," she captured something many high-achievers feel in their core: the exhausting reality of constantly trying to be enough for everyone else. If you've ever found yourself wondering, "Why am I a people pleaser?" while simultaneously crushing it in your career, this guide is for you.

Understanding Your People-Pleasing Patterns

Let's start with a truth bomb: being a people pleaser isn't a character flaw – it's often a survival strategy that helps you succeed. For many high-achievers, especially those managing mental health challenges or diagnoses, people-pleasing became the perfect mask. It helped you navigate expectations, manage relationships, and climb the career ladder. But now? It's exhausting.

The Mental Health Connection

Before we dive deeper, it's important to understand that people-pleasing isn't a mental health diagnosis on its own. Rather, it's a complex set of thoughts, behaviors, and feelings centered around prioritizing others' needs and approval above your own well-being. People-pleasing can show up on its own, but it often goes hand-in-hand with different mental health challenges. Sometimes it's a way we cope with these challenges, and other times it's just part of how our mental health struggles show up in our daily lives. As we explore how people-pleasing shows up in a few different diagnoses, remember that we're just scratching the surface – each person's experience is unique, and these patterns can vary significantly in how they present and impact daily life.

ADHD and People Pleasing:

• Your ADHD brain is wired to seek dopamine, that feel-good neurotransmitter that floods your system when someone approves of you

• Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) makes perceived rejection feel unbearable

• People-pleasing often develops as a coping mechanism for masking ADHD symptoms

• The constant need to "prove yourself" can lead to overcommitment

Anxiety and People Pleasing:

• Anxiety can make you hyper aware of others' reactions

• The need for certainty drives perfectionist tendencies

• People-pleasing becomes a way to control social situations

• The fear of conflict feeds into the cycle of saying "yes"

OCD and People Pleasing:

• Intrusive thoughts about disappointing others can drive compulsive people-pleasing

• The need for "just right" feelings extends to relationships

• Moral scrupulosity can manifest as excessive responsibility for others' feelings

• Perfectionism in relationships becomes another form of control

Depression and People Pleasing:

• People-pleasing can mask underlying depression

• The pursuit of external validation temporarily lifts mood

• Burnout from constant people-pleasing can deepen depression

• Self-worth becomes tied to others' approval
  

Why Am I a People Pleaser? Understanding the Root Causes

Think of people-pleasing as a skill you developed for good reason. Maybe you learned early that being "good" meant being agreeable. Perhaps your high-achieving nature taught you that external validation equals success. The fear of rejection often sits at the core of people-pleasing behaviors, manifesting as:

• Anticipating others' needs before your own

• Difficulty setting and maintaining boundaries

• Chronic anxiety about others' opinions

• Perfectionist tendencies in relationships

Common signs you're a "pathological people pleaser:”

• You say "sorry" when you mean "excuse me"

• Your calendar is filled with commitments you secretly dread

• You can nail a work presentation but struggle to tell a friend "no"

• The thought of disappointing someone keeps you up at night

• You often feel resentful but struggle to identify why

If some of these bullet points resonate, the rest of this blog is completely for you! With some tangible steps to work against the people-pleasing instinct. Let’s get into it!

How to Stop People Pleasing: 3 Practical (No, Really!) Strategies for the Modern Professional

1. Start with Small Nos 

   Instead of diving into the deep end, practice saying no to small things first. Can't make that optional team happy hour? A simple "I won't be able to make it, but thanks for thinking of me" is perfect.

2. Create Response Templates 

   Having pre-written responses can be a game-changer, especially when managing ADHD or anxiety: "Let me check my calendar and get back to you." "That sounds interesting, but I need to decline to maintain my current commitments." "I appreciate you thinking of me, but I'll have to pass." You could keep these in your Notes app on your phone, easy to find and ready to use.

3. Build in Buffer Time

   Stop saying yes immediately. Give yourself permission to say, "I'll need to think about that and get back to you." This creates space for authentic decision-making.

The High-Achiever's Recovery Plan

Breaking free from people-pleasing doesn't mean becoming less successful – often, it's quite the opposite.

Here's your action plan:

1. Address the Underlying Patterns

• Work with a therapist to understand your specific triggers

• Develop coping strategies for rejection sensitivity

• Learn to differentiate between healthy giving and people-pleasing

• Build self-worth independent of others' approval

2. Set Sustainable Boundaries

• Schedule "no meetings" blocks in your calendar

• Create email boundaries (hint: you don't need to respond immediately)

• Practice saying "That doesn't work for me" without explaining why

• Honor your mental health needs without apology

3. Embrace Your Authentic Self

• Use your natural strengths in healthier ways

• Build relationships based on mutual respect rather than approval-seeking

• Practice self-compassion when you slip into old patterns

• Celebrate small wins in boundary-setting

4. Build Your Support System

• Surround yourself with people who appreciate your boundaries

• Connect with others who understand your mental health challenges

• Find a therapist who specializes in your specific needs

• Join support groups for like-minded professionals

Remember, breaking free from being a pathological people pleaser isn't about becoming less caring or less successful. It's about becoming more authentically you.

Your worth isn't measured by how many times you say yes or how many people you can please. It's measured by how true you are to yourself and your values. And sometimes, being true to yourself means saying no to others so you can say yes to yourself.

Ready to start your journey from people pleaser to empowered professional? Start small, be patient with yourself, and remember: you're not alone in this transformation.

Need support in breaking free from people-pleasing patterns? Several of our therapists are passionate about helping high-achievers find their authentic voice while managing mental health challenges. Book a consultation to learn more about how we can help!

Important Note: This blog is for informational purposes only and does not substitute clinical treatment or consultation with a mental health professional. If you are needing immediate mental health support, please dial or text 988 to speak with a crisis counselor, or go to your closest emergency room.